Such a weird mood today. My car (which I share with my brother and sister), is going to require $200 or so bucks to get fixed. Lex gave me a lift to work today, but that felt kind of weird too. When I got into work, I checked my email and someone sent me an email about a book I sent them, which kind of just left me feeling again,...a little weird (which is mainly a me problem, but whatever). I just feel like .... I've been soaked in bleach and overdried, and everything that was once intresting and different is now just some washed out version of what's in the Macy's window. No longer fresh, just derivative and redundant.

Sinead O'Connor titled some long ago album "I do not want, what I haven't got". I've always loved that title. It just spoke to me. Or rather, about how the ideal version of myself would be. To just walk down the street and not be concerned about the things I couldn't afford, or the graces I lacked, or the various inadequacies that I see in myself. Can you dig it ? Just to feel completely content with the stink of your own shit, and thereby realize that you are the Shit. No covetous glances, no longing stares at passing automobiles, just a warm "yes" humming in the background of your esteem. I'm better at it now than I was ten years ago, and imagine that ten years from now I'll be closer still..., it just seems sometimes, that it's such a long road.

in the midst of a funky mood.....

It's odd. I started this post to detail the hi-jinks that ensued after Lex and I went for Chinese last night, (and the noxious gas the szechuan snapper produced, we're talking straight past broccoli, and right into cauliflower here folks), but the last six-odd posts are all Lex related and that seems downright chicken-headed. So..., instead we're going to talk about..., the evil masquerading in a bunny suit that is Queer As Folk.

Actually, QAF isn't really worth four full sentences of commentary. The plotlines are steaming heaps of shite, the characters are poorly developed (and Gale Harold, you might be on the cute side, but that's no excuse for the way you mangle the already shitty lines), and the whole show usually just depresses me after viewing. There was a time when I longed for the day that I'd be part of gay society and be able to mingle in an exclusively homosexual element. But if it's anything like QAF, I'll take isolation in the Caribbean. There has to be more to gay society than a bunch of cottage West Hollywoods, spread all across the land. I know it's just one depiction of how it goes down, but does it have to be so bad ?. Anyway, that's enough griping.

Yesterday, MLK day, Lex and I took the rare oppurtunity of a shared day off to go to a neighboring island and just get into each other. We hiked through the bush and beneath a light and completely non-annoying rain, talked about past lovers, and future plans. We made it to the beach, which was about 75 yards of bright white sand, curved in a crescent with rock out-croppings on either end. The water was perfectly clear and where the sand met the surf, there was a flickering stripe of gilded teal as the waves made their final, gentle break against the shore. The beach was small, and populated primarily by other gay men, so we could kind of frolic and be silly. God...this sounds so damned sappy. I mean, it was..., but it was more fun too.

After staying at the beach untill our fingers were pruned and Lex was as tan as he was going to get, we walked back to town and had the best surprise Italian dinner at a bistro called Roma's. It was the kind of eclectic cafe where none of the tables have the same chairs, and there are kids running in and out of the kitchen. All in all, it was a pretty good day. The longest time I've ever spent with lex in one sitting, and definately the most time I've spent with him outside of his apartment.

I started this post to bitch about a co-worker who had shamelessly attempted to manipulate me through flattery (which makes me feel like an asshole, and you look like an idiot since we both know you're about as sincere as Puffy on the witness stand)... but as I was typing I looked down and noticed a teeny tiny spider crawling up my forearm. Small and fragile and completely harmless. It was just really, really cute (and I'm not a cutesy-wutesy type of person). A lot of people are weirded out by spiders, but this one was so tiny (it must have just hatched or something) and had this whole "new to the world" air about him that I think he could've cured an arachnophobe. I like how God keeps surprising you. How the unexpectedness of the spider just settled my whole spine and pushed me into an entirely different emotion.

Plus, I'm listening to "As You Are" by Travis, which is just lush and beautiful, and were I not in the confines of this drab little office, I'd definitely sing aloud to.

After a lengthy waiting process, .... it appears that my mutant powers will never kick in. It's safe to say that I'll never be able to phase through walls, levitate, or hurl the occasional fireball. I realized this today when my repeated efforts to make a co-workers head explode failed. Wouldn't it be nice to be a mutant though... (we're think of the non-disfigured variety here). Wouldn't it be nice to be telepathic. Actually, given my tendency towards overthinking everything, telekinesis would probably suit me much better. If you could have any mutant power, what would it be ?

Damn Them. Damn. Them. Damn the twin evil programming geniuses that are Bunim/Murray. Damn them because once again, they've roped me. Like Whitney Houston on a crack rock, they've found my teat and I'm helpless but to suck. I'd already decided that I wasn't even going to follow this season's Real World because

A. I don't have the time,
B. It's actually one steaming heap of bullshit, and they completely exploit the cast (did you see the rocks on Bunim's chain in last year's casting special.... hello),
C. It's too involved to even resemble reality,
D. Drama wise, you just can't top RW8 Hawaii (Ruthie rocks my world, drunk or sober),
E. They always find a way to pick the most moronic black people (I know with 40,000 applicants they could of came of up with someone better than the guy they got this year).

This being said, I was planning to sidestep the whole bloody thing. But sure enough come 10:30 I'm sitting their in front of the TV like the boob that I am. I could've actually turned it off, were it not for the lure of Chris the new gay guy. He hasn't decided to come out to the rest of the cast, and he has no specific reason not too, and I can relate to that. Even though at 25, I feel that I'm way past my acceptable age to be still in the closet. But it was when they cornered him in the pool and asked what was special about him. How about a hand for good editing. There are six shots at once all zooming in on him..., it gives him the most adorable dear-in-headlights look. A look that says "this is the best possible time to spill it all, but I know I can't make my mouth comply". And there, in a nutshell, was how they got me. Maybe it's the shared perspective, or maybe it's the freshly scrubbed, babe returning to the woods look that seems etched on his face (OK, he's gorgeous, but that's really a given since this is a Bunim/Murray show)..., but basically I think I'll be wasting plenty of the time at MTV (they really are evil, but I love them) in the near future.